It seems a strange place to find myself crying with songs that my sister never listened to.
Shortly after Jennifer died, I assembled a collection of songs into a playlist entitled "Jennifer". I needed a musical oasis to go to when I felt like I needed to feel her loss. At first I tried to find songs that connected me to the loss itself, but as the list grew, I found myself throwing songs in the list for various reasons.
Some of the songs from the Grease Soundtrack made it in, because Jennifer went to see that movie in the theatre with her Grade 7 class. I added Bon Jovi, because that was one of her favourite bands. I threw country songs in because she was a farmer. I included a lot of eighties music that she might have listened to forty years ago. I found love songs that made me cry when I listened to them. Some songs more than others bring emotion to the surface and some just help me imagine the two of us singing along with them.
The more I listen to the playlist, I realize it is about me more than her. Sometimes I need to cry, sometimes I need the passion of rock and roll just to get me to the next moment in my life. Music came back to my world after she died. I had taken a break from listening to music because I couldn't find myself in the songs I was listening to. But when I look at my "Jennifer" playlist... there are songs I still can't find myself in, but they still somehow share space with me in my loss. I may ask myself "Why did I put that song in?' one day, and then the next time I listen to it, I understand that it has a place there.
I still need to feel the loss. I need to wade in the waters a little longer so that I can embrace this new life with authenticity. I'm not going to move along just because the world is done crying. I may have to wait until it's me in my truck with my playlist turned up before I can be that authentic, but I will find the space to be real. I am grateful for the artists that are sharing space with me on this journey, including: Tim Minchin, Anne Murray, Lucy Thomas, Il Divo, Reo Speedwagon, Chicago, Air Supply, Bryan Adams, Bon Jovi, Boston, Journey, John Denver, Garth Brooks... and the list keeps growing.
In the end, it doesn't matter what song comes up. Jennifer loved music from such an early age. It seems fitting that I would remember her between each note and lyric.
* * *
There is a song from my playlist that I want to share with you. It is the only song that has my sister singing in it.
Forty-one years ago (1982) , my sister was part of a high school choir. One of the songs they did was a musical number called "Samson and Delilah". My Dad had his tape recorder handy and recorded the choir singing it. Four years later when I was in choir, our director chose the same musical to sing. I found the recording that Dad made and shared it with the choir. We had a lot of fun with that song. It was the only song where we could ditch our choir robes and somber stance and have fun acting it out.
“Music is the moonlight in the gloomy night of life.”
―Jean Paul Friedrich Richter