LOOKING FOR JENNIFER AND FINDING VAELA

This Sunday, I felt the need to be close to the absence of my sister. I don't feel her absence at my home, because she wasn't ever here long enough to make a memory for me. In the fifteen years I lived in my small town of Calmar, she lived an hour away and only made it to my place two times in those fifteen years and that was over a decade ago. So my life goes on here without feeling her absence in this space. (Please note... because my mother lived twelve miles from her farm... I spent my time with her in those places. But it still hurts that she wasn't at my place more).

I wanted to find Jennifer's energy, so I stopped in at her church. (before and after the service.... I don't do church services anymore... but I go occasionaly to connect with the people). It was a strange feeling being in that place and not seeing her there... (It's been almost fifteen months).

I hung around for the potluck after and visited with my friend Susi. It was then that a five year old girl by the name of Vaela came to our table and came right up to me. I'd never met Vaela before. Right away I was amazed. She was interested in me. She was amazed at my freckles. I think that was the first connection we shared. I told her she was beautiful... and her freckles were part of that beauty.

In the fifteen minutes that she spent at the table visiting with us, I didn't see her parents. Others told me that Vaela is like that with everyone. She was not afraid of this stranger in her midst. She just stayed. She wanted to know if I played games on my Iphone. So I showed her one game that I played. It was strange. I'd never had that kind of connection with anyone that young, that interested, that removed from my life before.

I had gone to that church that day to be with my sister's energy. That is how I described it. So in those fifteen minutes, I wondered if Jennifer was in that moment with us. Maybe she would have regretted not making the effort in her own time to connect with me and be interested in me. But in that space where she spent so much of her time... there was this little girl. I left that day feeling like I had connected with something that filled my heart up. Maybe it was my sister, or maybe it was just a little girl who hadn't been exposed to fear yet. But it was a beautiful thing!

Yesterday, I wanted to process what had happened on Sunday, so I wrote this poem.  

Vaela Who are you Who am I to you Why has fear not embraced you yet How can you feel so free What in you embraces me, a stranger Are you different than the rest Even a dog has to sniff me first But you You were free At five, you are free You even asked me a question You were interested in me You were amazed at me You spent time with me You didn’t run off and play I am old to you Where were your parents Did they trust you to be free I never met them It was only you We were in your church But even in church people aren’t free I can’t explain you I have never experienced anyone like you I made a friend and it wasn’t because of me Will I ever see you again Will you always be so free I feel for the day that you will embrace fear Like the rest of us It’s bound to happen It happens to everyone eventually We lose trust We get cautious We ask no questions We don’t want to know But until that day Glow in your freedom Remember the day The day you embraced a stranger who needed love

“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” — Helen Keller