It seemed different this time. I saw the ad in the Calmar Chronicle and wondered if I needed to go. I had been to grief seminars before, but this one wasn't hosted by a church and didn't include a Lutheran pastor as the grief expert. This was hosted by the community and held at the library in my home town. I wondered if I could learn something new. I signed up.
Ironically, this seminar was scheduled three days before a significant anniversary. This Saturday marks six years since my nephew Ben died. But I wasn't going for him this time. This time I had someone else on my loss list that I needed to think about. This time it was about Jesus.
When I got to the seminar, I was glad to see that I didn't know anyone. That is always a gift when one is walking into a room of such a sensitive subject as grief. These were all people here because they had experienced loss. We had that in common.
The seminar was hosted by Janelle of Intentional Connecting Wellness Services. She was expecting two people and found herself with a room full of eager learners.
I first realized that this was very different from my previous grief seminar experiences when I saw something in the list of losses. "Loss of Faith". Wow! That was being acknowledged. I had to thank her for including that. I don't know if anyone else in the room felt the gravity of that moment, but I did. My pain mattered.
Janelle shared some valuable lessons and myths about grief. Her main resource is a book called "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman. When I got home, I downloaded the book. I am three chapters in and very grateful for the journey it is inviting me on. It is not a how-to book on "getting over" losses. In fact... "getting over" is one of the myths of grief. I think it wants to take me on a journey of validation this time. Maybe it wants to be a companion for me on this lonely road.
Right now, I have no other human being that is equipped to walk along side of me on this grief journey, but that could change. I am not laying any expectations on anyone. This is a heavy load for anyone and in my experience, the only people that have cried with me on my loss journeys are those who have felt a similar loss. I can't ask any of my Christian friends to walk this journey with me and right now... most of my friends are Christians.
I want to end this post with some nuggets that I wrote down at the seminar yesterday. They are from the book and I hope to find them again as I read through it.
"The key to recovery from grief is action, not time"
"Grief is a normal and natural reaction to the loss of any kind."
"There are no absolutes in grief."
"Grief is not intellectual, a psychological diagnosis, emotional weakness, a broken brain, something to 'get over'."
"Grief is not linear, organized or predictable; it's messy and chaotic."
"Validate feelings rather than minimize them."
"True strength comes from being emotionally honest."
"85% of what people say after loss is not emotionally helpful."
" 'I know how you feel.' Don't say this to anyone at anytime for any reason...'."
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