GROWING AROUND OUR GRIEF: LEARNING ABOUT GRIEF IN COMMUNITY

"People tend to believe that grief shrinks over time.  What really happens is that we grow around our grief. "

I have had this image on the wall in my office for some time now.  It has reminded me of the core understanding of the grief process.  This very concept was introduced in the first meeting of a Calmar community grief support group I have been a part of during the month of April.  

Every Tuesday morning for the last month, I have walked to the local community centre in my town to gather with other grievers from the surrounding communities.  We have averaged about 8-11 people every meeting with two facilitators: a registered psychologist and a community social worker.  It has been a transformative time for me and for the others.  

This has been the first time I have been in a in-person grief support group of any kind.  It offers a very different dynamic in the grief recovery process.  

"It's easier to talk to a stranger, than it is to my family members" 

This was mentioned in one of the meetings and I would agree with it.  I didn't know anyone in that room one month ago, and I have been able to pour out some of the depths of my heartache to them.  It has been encouraging and uplifting.  

Today is our last day together officially.  I don't know what happens after this morning.  Will any of us want to stay connected, or is the magic in the group that will dissipate after today.  

We have all learned a great deal thanks to the wisdom from great teachers that our facilitator Amy has brought to us.  I have been in several grief training seminars, and some of what Amy gave us was new and enlightening.  

It is tempting to walk alone in grief, because of the feeling that "no one understands me or my pain".  But what I have discovered this month is that sharing a common loss is not as necessary as sharing our loss and being in community with other grievers who understand what it is like to lose someone precious.  My heart can go out to someone who has lost a mother or a spouse, even through I still have both in my life.  Broken hearts don't need identification as much as they need compassion.  

I will end off this post with some of the grief wisdom that Amy shared with us in our class.  

“Grief is not a problem to be solved; it is an experience to be carried”- Megan Devine

“The brain cannot think its way out of grief. We must feel our way through.” -Gordon Neufeld

"We don’t need to feel all the time, but we all need the time to feel”- Gordon Neufeld

"Our brains are like Teflon for the positive experiences, and like Velcro for the negative experiences." Rick Hanson 

"The mind would rather be guilty than helpless."- David Kessler. 

"Guilt can become a burden too heavy to bear, and can keep us stuck in our grieving process." - David Kessler

“Real self-care is creating a life we don’t need to escape”- Anne Lamott

• We don’t get over our grief, our grief goes with us because it is how we love our person.
• Grief is not a linear process. We will oscillate between grieving and living in our new way of life.
• No feeling is final. No feeling is fatal.
• Grief is love with no where to go.
• Beating ourselves up over “what-ifs” does not move us forward.