GRIEVING FOR JOE

 Why am I sad?  He wasn't family. He wasn't a friend.  I never met him in person.  He never knew me... but I heard him sing and now I grieve.  

Joe Bonsall of the Oakridge Boys passed away from ALS on July 9, 2024 at the age of 76.  

I was first introduced to a love of the Oakridge Boys music because of an album that was in my parents LP collection.  "Fancy Free" came out in 1981.  It was the year before we left B.C.  I don't know when my parents acquired the album, but there is a hand written price of $2.00 on it, so I am guessing that Dad picked it up at a thrift store.  Mom doesn't remember the details about the acquisition.  

I downloaded the album into my iTunes this week and the songs are still in my head.  I can sing along to every one of them.  I must have worn that album out back in the day.  I had a crush on Richard Sterban, but who didn't.  He was that good looking bass singer for the Oaks.  

In the last few years, the Oaks music came back to me and I enjoyed watching them on Youtube.  What amazed me this time was the energy that Joe Bonsall brought to the performances.  His vibrancy and passion is attractive... and more so than my girlhood crush on the bass singer.  Joe was the life of that group.  

I think my sadness comes more from the hole in the group, than the loss of the man.  I went through a similar loss feeling when I found out that Carlos from Il Divo died during Covid.  I wasn't too attached to Carlos as a person, but the hole he left in his foursome was massive.  

 I will end this post by sharing some of my Oakridge Boyz favourite music videos.  

Gonna take alot of river 

Elvira (with Home Free) 

The Shade 

Bobby Sue

Dream On

Love Song

And my favourite Oaks Album of all time is the one that I listened to over and over again as a teenager.  The words to the songs still rest in my memory

Fancy Free Album Play list

And a remembering of the Oaks wouldn't be complete without some gospel, for that was their roots and the music they are most connected to.  Some how, even now... I think their vocals shine the best when they are singing gospel music.  

Remembering Joe Bonsall (Time has made a change in me, I love to tell the story) 

"I want to sing just a little love song

I want to sing to you for a little while

Back up and toe the line for you

I want to be your all in all" 

Lyrics of "Love Song" sung by Joe Bonsall of the Oakridge boys 

A SCRAPBOOK LETTER

 

"Some paint with acrylics, I like to paint with words." Ruby Neumann

My Mother's Day gift for my Mom this year was a scrapbook of my sister's single life.  It was far from all inclusive.  I am sure I left a lot of good stories.   But I wanted to capture what I saw as some of the more pivotal moments of her first two decades on this planet.  

This project started last year, but in reality, it was a dream I had long before he died.  I wanted to write her a book of the stories of our childhood that she seemed to have forgotten.  Her mind wasn't a storage house of the past.  When I asked her if she remembered certain events, she would often reply with a "No".  Somehow I still felt the need to remember those things that she had forgotten.  

I started this scrapbook as something for Mom to remember her daughter, but it became a letter to my sister.  So my Mom is the fly on the wall of that conversation I wish I could have had with Jennifer.   I poured my heart out in one month and was pretty proud of what I had written.  I think I got a lot of good stories out and Mom is already making her way through the book.  I complimented it with pictures because pictures often tell more of the story than words do.  I think it's the pictures that bring the mind back to the moment,  the words just fill in the details.   

I picked up another scrapbook at Dollarama because I felt like I wasn't finished with the story telling.  I have a few ideas, but I still want to talk to my sister.  Mom already reminded me of a story that didn't make it into the first volume.  Maybe there are more of those moments.  I also want to bring more of me and my story in to the next book.  What stories do I still have in me that my sister and my mother didn't have access too.  Maybe there is some more of my life that can help my mother.  I haven't started it yet.  I am just perusing ideas right now.  

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”  Winnie the Pooh

THE FIRST MOTHER'S DAY AFTER THE DEATH OF HER DAUGHTER

 

What does a woman go through on that first Mother's Day after the death of her daughter.  Not just any child.  This was the first born.  This was the daughter that made her a mother.  Her identity was changed in 1965 because of this one.  

My mother has been a trooper.  She has shed tears for both of her parents, her husband, her first grandson and now her daughter.  I can't begin to imagine the strength that takes because I still have my mother, my husband and I didn't have children to lose.  

All this weighed heavy on me ( her second and last daughter).  I wanted to give my mom a special Mother's Day.   So I planned a road trip, rented a van and my mom and I went for a drive to Saskatchewan.   Our first destination was in Shaunavon at my cousin's ranch... where my mom and I were affectionately greeted by a Saint Bernard by the name of Bella.  

We stayed overnight at the ranch and enjoyed quality time with our family.  We got a tour of the ranch that gave Mom an off-roading experience she won't soon forget.  

Our next stop was in Regina to visit an "old friend".  He had just turned 98.  My Mom has over sixty years of friendship with this man and he was one of the pastors that officiated at my parent's wedding.  So he was on the top of the list to see, as it was most likely the last visit Mom will get with him.  

After our visit, we made our way to Outlook.  My Mom and I are both alumni of a Lutheran boarding school (LCBI) in the outskirts of this small Saskatchewan town.  This year marks seventy years since my Mom graduated from high school.  Every Mother's Day coincides with graduation, so I thought that it would be a treat to take in some of the grad events.  Mom even got acknowledged on Sunday morning.  She was an LCBI celebrity that day!  I looked at the grad class and wondered who would return in 2094 to celebrate their seventieth anniversary from high school.  

Mom and I both were especially excited to see familiar faces that made Mother's Day extra special.  I got to hug a former school mate who was spending her first Mother's Day without her Mom.  It was a beautiful day. 

After having a quick bite to eat and finding some more former classmates, Mom and I made our way to Radisson to spend the rest of the day with good longtime friends.  Mom was greeted with yet another big dog... this time a Rottweiler.  Mom did well to make friends even through big dogs are not her forte.  

We went out for supper and then connected with other friends for the night.  It was a well rounded trip and we were both feeling a loss of energy so we were glad to be heading home.  

I like my road trips with my Mom.  She knits while I drive and we are both somewhat relaxed as long as the road and other drivers are nice to us.  We didn't face a lot of crazy traffic on this trip, and that is always a bonus.  I am thankful for our time together and Mom was so happy to have been with her friends and family.  It's really "all about the people" 

“To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die.” – Thomas Campbell

GROWING AROUND OUR GRIEF: LEARNING ABOUT GRIEF IN COMMUNITY

"People tend to believe that grief shrinks over time.  What really happens is that we grow around our grief. "

I have had this image on the wall in my office for some time now.  It has reminded me of the core understanding of the grief process.  This very concept was introduced in the first meeting of a Calmar community grief support group I have been a part of during the month of April.  

Every Tuesday morning for the last month, I have walked to the local community centre in my town to gather with other grievers from the surrounding communities.  We have averaged about 8-11 people every meeting with two facilitators: a registered psychologist and a community social worker.  It has been a transformative time for me and for the others.  

This has been the first time I have been in a in-person grief support group of any kind.  It offers a very different dynamic in the grief recovery process.  

"It's easier to talk to a stranger, than it is to my family members" 

This was mentioned in one of the meetings and I would agree with it.  I didn't know anyone in that room one month ago, and I have been able to pour out some of the depths of my heartache to them.  It has been encouraging and uplifting.  

Today is our last day together officially.  I don't know what happens after this morning.  Will any of us want to stay connected, or is the magic in the group that will dissipate after today.  

We have all learned a great deal thanks to the wisdom from great teachers that our facilitator Amy has brought to us.  I have been in several grief training seminars, and some of what Amy gave us was new and enlightening.  

It is tempting to walk alone in grief, because of the feeling that "no one understands me or my pain".  But what I have discovered this month is that sharing a common loss is not as necessary as sharing our loss and being in community with other grievers who understand what it is like to lose someone precious.  My heart can go out to someone who has lost a mother or a spouse, even through I still have both in my life.  Broken hearts don't need identification as much as they need compassion.  

I will end off this post with some of the grief wisdom that Amy shared with us in our class.  

“Grief is not a problem to be solved; it is an experience to be carried”- Megan Devine

“The brain cannot think its way out of grief. We must feel our way through.” -Gordon Neufeld

"We don’t need to feel all the time, but we all need the time to feel”- Gordon Neufeld

"Our brains are like Teflon for the positive experiences, and like Velcro for the negative experiences." Rick Hanson 

"The mind would rather be guilty than helpless."- David Kessler. 

"Guilt can become a burden too heavy to bear, and can keep us stuck in our grieving process." - David Kessler

“Real self-care is creating a life we don’t need to escape”- Anne Lamott

• We don’t get over our grief, our grief goes with us because it is how we love our person.
• Grief is not a linear process. We will oscillate between grieving and living in our new way of life.
• No feeling is final. No feeling is fatal.
• Grief is love with no where to go.
• Beating ourselves up over “what-ifs” does not move us forward.

MISSING THE MANY ALONG WITH THE MAN

When people ask me what I miss about Emco... I always say... the people.  It is really the only thing I miss.  I don't miss the drive. I don't miss time away from my home and family. I don't miss repetitive tasks that had me wondering of my purpose.  I don't miss the corporate machine.  I don't miss the move away from personal customer service towards automated answers.  I miss the people.  I miss the interactions I had with my coworkers and the customers.  I miss the social environment that I was a part of every week day.  I miss the casual interactions along with the deep conversations.  

I left Emco in 2020.  Along with leaving the company, the paycheque, the job... I left a family that I was unable to say goodbye to.  That was painful.  It took a few years before I found myself entering the doors again.  Even then, I only saw a handful of my former coworkers.  I had lost so much.  

On my last trip, I discovered that one of my coworkers, a man by the name of Brian, was in an automobile accident.  He was driving with another coworker and something happened to him that caused him to loose control of the wheel.  I can't remember all the details. I think he went unconscious while driving.  Joe was riding shotgun and had to get control of the vehicle.  When I last visited Emco, the story was that he was in a coma in the hospital.  I didn't hear anything more until yesterday.  

My husband and I were delivering heaters to a customer in Edmonton and I bumped into one of their employees that I knew from my customer interactions at Emco.  Tim recognized me and we chatted a bit.  He then asked me if I had heard about Brian.  I told him I heard Brian was in an accident.   

"No, Brian passed away."

That I didn't hear.  I did a google search for Brian's obituary and discovered that he died on March 26 which was over two weeks ago.  The immediate loss I felt, however,  was not for Brian, but for my disconnection from my former family that would allow two weeks to go by and no news of his death to reach my ears.   I found out, quite by chance, from a customer... not a former coworker.  

I tried to refocus my energy on Brian and how I felt about his dying.  I didn't really feel free to cry in that moment, but found solace in my sadness.  I read his obituary and discovered a few more things I didn't know about the man I worked with for more than a decade.  One hardly learns of the personal details of one's coworker's lives at work.  

I had a chance to connect outside of the workplace once with Brian.  It was at the Edmonton Rock Festival.  My husband's band was part of the lineup that weekend, and I saw Brian in the stands, so I went over to talk with him.  I discovered that he liked attending music shows.  He was a regular attendee at the Emco Blues Festival.  We had a nice visit.  

I was trying to rack my brain about Brian's qualities so I could share them on the obituary. What I came up with was caring.  I realized that maybe I didn't know him as well as I hoped.  But I remember that he valued his customers and co-workers.  I got to have an ear on his frustrations every once in a while, but he didn't take his frustrations out on his customers or his coworkers.  

As much as Brian's death is sad for me, the sadness is wrapped around my greater loss of the family that we were both a part of for so many years.  Had I still been a part of that family, I would now have a place to grieve and share that loss.  Now I don't know how to grieve and wonder if I am still grieving the loss of my Emco family.  

I have a video I made after my departure from Emco.  During Covid, the Emco teammates were sharing photos with each other.  I collected those photos along with some that I had from work and I made a video of my Emco Family.  I watched that video three times yesterday.  It's been four years and there are teammates that I have forgotten, but there are teammates that I greatly miss, (some not even alive anymore).   The song I chose was "The Living Years" from Mike and the Mechanics.  

I realize that in my grief for one person,  there is often a bigger picture and more losses that make the sadness for that one person even greater.  Do I miss Brian or my Emco Family or both?  Emotions are a strange thing to map out.  I do miss them both.  I miss each person, and I miss the team and family.  I am glad now that I am where I am and with whom I am with.  There are no regrets there.  Just a whole lot of sadness right now.  I am missing them all over again.  

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"Grief is hard work"  Rebecca Sorrells