Dear Friend,
It can be so easy to become overwhelmed with what you think you should or shouldn’t be doing with your time. Yet, when you’ve experienced the loss of a family member who was so close, you need to remember that it is okay to be a little selfish about how you run your life. If you feel like you are bending over backward to make others—your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends—happy all the time, you are going to run out of fuel fast. It is okay to make your own decisions and to grieve on your own time.
Some of the choices you make might not always turn out to be the best ones, as you will see in the next section, but at least you are learning as you go. As long as you are doing things that resonate with “you,” that is what is most important. Remember, the way each day unfolds starts with you. As I said earlier in this chapter, it is important to find your voice. Do not let yourself become any further depleted by ignoring signs that you need to be attentive to your own needs. In the long run, your children, family, and friends will thank you for being a little selfish and learning how to become centered and grounded again. You will be a much more pleasant person in general, and in turn you will have more to give back to others!
Love and Light,
Elizabeth
“Death and loss can be a magnet for toxic people. It’s okay to distance yourself from these negative influences, whether they’re family, friends, in-laws, or coworkers, until you’ve had time to process your emotions. Don’t feel guilty about it. You’ve been through enough. Then, once you’ve decided to move forward, don’t let ANYONE hold you back.”
—Faye H.
I am enjoying my read through of "Creative Grieving". There is a lot of wisdom I am finding as I make my way through Elizabeth's story. Chapter three "Me First ( But Don't Forget the Baby)" is encouraging to read because it gives added permission to be selfish. Maybe permission to be selfish is a good thing. It's not the "go to" for me. My first instinct is to help everyone else stop bleeding first. There is something that always pops up in the back of my brain and tells me at the most inopportune moment. "Someone is always hurting more than you." That may be true, but it takes effort to not translate that into "My pain doesn't matter."
When my Oma died, I didn't go to my parents home right away. I stayed home in Calgary. I told my dad, who had just lost his mother, that I needed to stay home for a bit first. I told him I would come for the funeral and then take time after to be with them. Dad was okay with that. I think he understood that I needed time in my own space to start to process the loss of Oma. Maybe he knew what I knew... that if I did come there right away, I would be lost in their grief and wouldn't be able to grieve my own loss.
When Opa died, I remember having a panic attack at the gravesite. I had bottled all the pain up because I had to support my Oma and my parents. I will never forget the words that came from a family member (not my parents) during my panic attack.
"Can't you see what you are doing to [your grandmother], It's not about you."
After that, I "felt the need to calm down" and go back into my shell. I've looked at the family pictures we took that day at the gravesite and remember that my tear stained face had not returned to normal. After that panic attack we had to take a family picture at Opa's grave. Really? That was what was important?
Maybe that day is what came to my mind when Dad told me about Oma's passing. I didn't want to go into that shell and have an untimely explosion like what happened at Opa's funeral. I gave myself permission to be selfish. I stayed home and came up with a friend the day of Oma's funeral and then stayed for a week with my parents. My decision wasn't met with support from everyone. I was reminded again that I needed to think about the people who were hurting more than me. Looking back, I knew that staying put was the right choice.
I want to emphasize these words of encouragement from Elizabeth. Looking back at my experience with my Oma and Opa... it makes all the sense in the world.
"Do not let yourself become any further depleted by ignoring signs that you need to be attentive to your own needs. In the long run, your children, family, and friends will thank you for being a little selfish and learning how to become centered and grounded again. You will be a much more pleasant person in general, and in turn you will have more to give back to others!"EC
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