"I began to realize that there was something sacred about the suffering I had experienced." EC
Can we talk about cancer in this post. It seems like when I think of sacred suffering, I think of cancer. Let's start with a list of the precious people along my life's journey who have died from cancer.
My grandmother: 1975 Lung Cancer
My supervisor/coworker: 2005 Brain Cancer
My dad: 2008 Stomach Cancer
My husband's bandmate: 2017 Breast Cancer
My godmother: 2021 Abdominal Cancer
My next door neighbour 2021: Lung Cancer
And I could include two coworkers from my time in Edmonton between the years of 2008-2020 that also died of cancer that were also heart wrenching for me.
"I could not go back in time and change the circumstances. I had to learn to come to peace with that. Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of times when I think “what if,” but I don’t allow myself to become tortured over what will never be. Otherwise, I would be condemning myself to a life of misery. I had to accept what had occurred in my life and move forward from a place of strength." EC
After that list, how do I even summarize into words how the cancer journey has imprinted itself on my life. I haven't even mentioned the ones that had cancer and survived it. With all the cases among my family, friends and colleagues, one would wonder if it hasn't become like the common cold for me ... but no, it hasn't. Every diagnosis is devastating when I hear it. I don't know the outcome when I hear about the diagnosis, but I seem to go to the worst outcome and it wrecks me for as long as the journey holds out.
I have had the opportunity to be at the final bedside of three of those I have listed. That is when the holiness of the moment hits me. I would walk out of the hospital and find myself with no words, tears and a sense that something transcendent had just happened.
I haven't experience cancer in my own body, so when I talk about the journey, it is always from the perspective of a companion. I wonder if my own experience, if that is something yet to come, will be as holy and sacred.
"Embracing your journey is a form of acceptance. It is coming into the full reality of what you have endured and honoring the depth of what you’ve experienced. Despite all the pain and suffering in the world, your experience is still unique and therefore should be honored." EC
Elizabeth's story is inspiring. She isn't taking me through specific creative grieving methods as much as she's inviting me to challenge my mindset towards grieving. She invites me to climb out of the conventional box of grief and address life after death with a different viewpoint. Her journey helps to foster in a better feeling about how I am navigating my losses. She give me permission to be creative and that is encouraging. There is less guilt for me when I have someone come along side of me and support my strange ways of navigating life. For that I am grateful.
"Your loss is part of what has molded and shaped you into the person you now are, and the person you will become as you continue to open your heart to life." EC
Back to the cancer... I think the story that I have found in cancer is that even with the intense pain of watching someone die, there is a strange comfort in being aware of the end. I'm not blindsided by cancer. It scary, but it's strangely soothing and through out the journey, maybe then I can find the sacred.
"Just remember that your story is sacred. The journey you have walked is a powerful one; treat it with the utmost respect." EC
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